ARN Mortuary

Funeral Etiquette for the 21st Century

MaxJenn — Sat, 17 Sep 2011 16:36:16 +0000

As our culture has become increasingly relaxed and even casual, many of the “rules of etiquette” have gone by the wayside. Women rarely wear hats and gloves when they go out – once a “must” – and gentlemen can often be seen sporting a golf shirt beneath a sports jacket. Ties are reserved for formal affairs and the occasional important meeting.

Nonetheless, a few etiquette rules remain when it comes to funerals.

Today dressing in black is not necessarily required for a funeral; in fact, some deceased request that no one wear black at all. However, bright colors and loud patterns can often send the wrong message to the bereaved so remember to be respectful. It is also very important to resist the urge to slip into that “little black dress” as being conservative is also a sign of respect. When in doubt subdued colors are always appropriate.

Upon learning the news of a death, always reach out to the deceased loved ones. This can be through a visit, a phone call, a card or flowers. If calling, keep the call brief and make sure to listen and focus on the survivor; also be ready to leave a short message as they may not be taking calls.

When sending a card, a personal message is always appreciated as is the simple gesture of the card itself. Sending flowers to the funeral home or survivors has become a natural reaction, but more and more families are requesting an “in lieu of flowers” donation to a favorite charity or cause. These directives are often included in the obituary, found either in the local paper or on the mortuary’s own website.

Finding the right things to say is never easy. A simple “I’m sorry for your loss” is always appropriate, but telling a story or fond memory of the deceased can be very meaningful for the family. Please avoid using the ‘it was for the best’ phrase. Despite one’s good intentions, it can be perceived as being disrespectful.

Don’t forget to sign the guest book. This is useful and even a bit comforting for the family, so they can later see who came to visit and how they knew the deceased.

Finally, turn off all electronics! A funeral is not the time or place to show off your new ringtone. Note, the buzz from the “vibration mode” does not go unnoticed. Set your phone to silent or better yet, leave it in the car.

Funerals provide a sense of closure for friends and families; it is a time to focus, show one’s support and offer a kind gesture. Remembering these things will make a difficult situation a bit easier.

Grieving Process Unique to Individual

MaxJenn — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 14:39:54 +0000

In commemorating what would have been his 100th birthday, there have been numerous articles and television segments on about Ronald Reagan. But a “sound bite” that really caught my attention was from wife Nancy Reagan, who talked about her grief.

“Everyone said it would get easier as time went on,” she said. “But I think it’s gotten worse. I miss him more.”

In our 70-plus years serving families in Central Indiana, A.R.N. Cremation realizes this is not an uncommon occurrence. If you have experienced the loss of a loved one, you may well have felt the same way. As late as last week I was chatting with a friend whose husband had passed away three years ago. “I don’t know why, but this past holiday was the most difficult yet. I found myself crying all the time.”

My friend went to a grief counselor who proclaimed these feelings very normal and part of the grieving process. And for many, realizing that grief isn’t a day or a week or a month; grief is a process that is as unique as the individual experiencing it.

You’ve probably heard about those five stages of grief:

Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

But even the author of these stages (Elisabeth Kübler-Ross) embraced the absolute individualism in which people mourn and grieve. She wrote in the last book before her own death, “They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives.”

So, with grief you may experience all of these stages and not in any particular order; you may experience none of these stages or only two or three. Most importantly, experts urge you to first, seek support of others; do not grieve alone. Friends and family, grief support groups, your faith and grief counselors are all ways with which people can openly discuss and address their loss and their grief.

Secondly, you need to take care of yourself. Give yourself permission to grieve and feel sad; maybe journal about your feelings. Some people even find writing a letter to their departed loved one is one way to find closure.

And finally, be prepared for “grief triggers.” Things that you see or hear through the normal course of a day that may resurrect your grief – a car, a song, and many times special dates like anniversaries or birthdays. These are perfectly natural, even coming years after your loss. Embrace these moments as a time to remember your loved one and share your memories.

Pre-planning Final Arrangements Alleviates Stress

MaxJenn — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 14:41:19 +0000

The beginning of the year is traditionally a time when people feel the need to better organize their lives. They make resolutions to live happier and healthier lives; they tie up those nagging loose ends. They set a budget, invest in a financial plan and update their wills; they ensure that their families are taken care of in the event of their death.

However, one often-overlooked item is planning for one’s final arrangements. Pre-arranged funerals provide peace of mind for both you (in that your wishes have been carried out) and for your family (in that they’re not “guessing” about what you would want). In addition, a trust fund may be established to pay for the funeral arrangements in advance. When those funds are needed, they are applied to cover the cost of your funeral arrangements.

Trusted funeral advisors can assist you in planning all of the details of your final arrangements just as you wish. A few areas that are specified when pre-arranging these services:

Instructions of final disposition including of both location of service and cemeteries; if you are to be cremated, what do you want done with your ashes?
Who do you want to serve as pallbearers?
What clothing and jewelry do you want to wear?
What items/mementos would you like to have displayed?
What poems or literature you would like to have read?
What favorite religious passages would you like read?
What favorite colors and flowers would you like used in floral arrangements?
Are you eligible for military, graveside honors?

A.R.N. Cremation Services assists individuals in planning funerals, including those who wish to pre-plan their own services. A convenient pre-planning form is available for download on our website (click here). Locally owned by Max Nelson and Jennifer Nelson Williams, we have been assisting Indianapolis-area families plan and carry out final arrangements since 1935. For more information, call us at 317.873.4766 or visit the website, www.arncremation.com.

On-Site Crematory Has Its Advantages

MaxJenn — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 14:43:31 +0000

If you follow the headlines, the past few years have painted some disturbing pictures of less-than-scrupulous mortuaries and crematories that have been remiss in the care given to human remains.

When we were planning our new facility (that we moved into earlier this year), one thing we were certain we wanted was an on-site crematory. We believed it would enable us to provide families with the ultimate care and respect their loved-ones deserved.

With an on-site crematory, we are able to control every aspect of an individual’s final arrangements – from preparing the remains for cremation to ensuring that the cremation chamber is thoroughly cleaned after every cremation, eliminating the risk of co-mingling remains.

As one of Central Indiana’s oldest and trusted funeral service providers, A.R.N. Cremation Services is proud to be one of only two on-site crematories in Hamilton County and only a handful in the Indianapolis area.

A few things to remember when selecting a cremation professional:

Seek out licensed professionals including a licensed funeral director or certified crematory operator
Ask about policies and procedures followed by the cremation service including the handling of the remains as well as documentation
Never assume that a funeral home offering cremations has an on-site crematory; more often than not, the remains are sent to an off-site facility.
Ask what options exist for those choosing cremation in terms of memorial services, casket rentals and urn/commemorative merchandise.
If you are anticipating an on-site memorial service, ensure that the facilities are modern and will accommodate your anticipated guests as well as any special needs they may have.

Deciding on cremation and subsequently choosing the cremation professional to provide those services are decisions that require a great deal of thought and consideration. These decisions should be based upon reputation, location, facilities and the cost of services. Do not be afraid or embarrassed to “shop” these services; it is one of the biggest decisions you will ever make. Taking a little extra time to ask questions and do a bit of research will result in peace of mind for years to come.

Individuals Increasingly Choose Cremation

MaxJenn — Sun, 11 Sep 2011 14:44:56 +0000

If you have attended a loved one’s funeral services recently, you may have noticed some profound differences from services you attended in the past. Perhaps there was no calling; perhaps the memorial was in a public place and not in a funeral home. And in increasing numbers, the casket has been replaced by an urn.

The last decade has seen a substantial increase in individuals choosing cremation. In 1998, 24 percent of Americans were choosing cremation; the most recent figures reveal that percentage increasing to 36 percent. And some areas – like Nevada, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington and Arizona – have more than 65 percent of their residents choosing cremation.

So, why has cremation become an increasingly preferred method of disposition? While its practice dates back 2000 years and remains the most popular option (more than 70 percent) in much of Europe and Asia, it has only been in the last few years that cremation has entered the mainstream of American’s funeral arrangements.

For many families, it is a simple matter of economics. Cremations in general are less expensive as they eliminate the need for a casket and provide more flexibility in terms of the location of the funeral/memorial service.

Cremation has often been coined the most eco-friendly method of disposition of the body. It preserves land that would be used for expansive cemeteries and eliminates the need for chemically preserving the body during embalming.

And finally, as our society becomes more transient, families no longer reside in the same town in which they were raised or even where their family may have burial plots; family visits to the cemetery are no longer the norm. An urn or small container, designed to be worn as jewelry to hold only a small portion of ashes, are better suited for families scattered across the miles.

With a recently constructed Hamilton County facility that includes an on-site crematory to ensure the dignified disposition of remains, the funeral professionals at A.R.N. Cremation & Funeral Services can help you determine if cremation is the right choice for you or your loved one. A.R.N. Cremation provides final arrangements allowing families and loved ones the freedom to make choices within their means, with cremation services starting at $465. Founded in 1935, today Max Nelson and daughter Jennifer Williamsoffer their 80 years of combined experience to provide unparalleled attention and sensitivity to detail.

Choosing a Funeral and Cremation Service Provider

MaxJenn — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 14:45:59 +0000

After more than 50 years in this business, I know that a majority of families who meet me for the first time are in a very vulnerable state.

They’ve just lost a loved one or death is eminent. The prospect of planning these last arrangements can be daunting, confusing and even intimidating.

When I was a young man, just starting out in this business, I was fortunate to have mentors who taught me how to assist families in this state of mind. The bottom line is this: You have to listen with compassion and advise with ethical expertise.

With too great of frequency, we have read or heard stories that are contrary to this standard we’ve established at A.R.N. Cremation Services. High-pressure sales tactics and improprieties have no place in business in general and even less so within the funeral industry.

There are rules that have been established by the Federal Trade Commission that protect consumers. The so-called “Funeral Rule” provides that:

You may purchase a casket (or cremation urn) from anywhere you choose (including the big-box discount houses); you are not required to buy from the funeral home.
The funeral establishment must provide you with a general price list (GPL) and a casket price list (CPL) when you inquire in person.
Funeral establishments must give an itemized statement that includes only those items you selected when you contracted for services.
A funeral package statement must describe and include all goods and services. If you’re going to sign a contract, get a total dollar amount in writing first.

In addition, each state has its own licensure and inspection procedures. Those licenses should be predominately displayed and up-to-date.

As we’ve become increasingly aware, just because these rules are in place does not mean that they won’t be bent or broken. The best way to ensure you are treated with compassion and dignity is to get to know the funeral service professional before you need him or her. If that is not possible, there are a few questions that you may consider asking that can help determine your level of comfort.

1) How long have you been in the business? What licenses and memberships do you hold?

2) Why did you enter this business?

3) Is your mortuary locally and/or family owned or a chain?

4) (If you are considering cremation) Do you have an on-site crematory?

5) How do you charge for cremation/funeral services?

These are just a few things to consider. It is much like entering into a relationship with any other professional service provider like an attorney, an accountant or a physician. It is essential to establish a relationship that allows you to trust this person and, in turn, allows them to assist you.